Source: The Spark http://www.thespark.com
Thanks to Backstreet.net reader FoxLee51@aol.com for sending this in.
Holden Caulfield, protagonist in JD Salinger's "Catcher in the Rye"
and Spark comedy writer, has decided
to answer his critics - with his fists. "Yup," says Caulfield when
asked about his intention to fight one
thousand girls. "I figured, enough wit and rhetoric, time to just do
some fighting." A college student in his
early twenties, Holden used to think of his 'job' at TheSpark.com as
an easy way to make money putting
his comedic sensibility on paper. Now, he says, it's become his very
mission in life to care about whether
people like the Backstreet Boys or not. "I wrote that thing about the
Backstreet Boys at 3 in the morning,
and I was pretty tired and wanted to get some sleep. Unfortunately,
I had a deadline with TheSpark. So I
heard one of their songs on the radio, instantaneously grasped the
full cultural significance of their fame,
and wrote about it in sardonic prose." Holden, a horrible ugly freak
who gets no girls and is jealous of the
Backstreet Boys and has no right to say mean things about people, and
who, as well, should keep his
opinions to himself because everyone has a right to their opinion,
okay, but not to be mean to the millions
of people to whom the Backstreet Boys are so important, is taking his
newly-discovered irrational hatred
of the Backstreet Boys to a new level.
"Yeah, so we're going to be fighting. Whatever, I'm not sure of the
details, but it'll be the first 1,000
girls who show up. No guns or knives. No hair-pulling...wait, nevermind.
You can pull hair all you want," says
Holden as he begins shaving his head. "I guess we'll fight till one
side gives up." Just where will the
rumble be taking place? "Oh, good question. I hadn't really planned
that out. OK, let's say that it'll be at
the old baseball field at the corner of Main Street and Washington
Avenue in lovely Paristown, Ohio. I
have never been there nor am I aware if there is a baseball field there.
But let's say that the fight will
be in that general area."
Holden Caulfield is impervious to flame.
The owners of TheSpark have expressed some concern about the whole event.
"Frankly, we're a little
concerned about the whole [event]," says Sam Yagan. "Not so much that
Holden wants to fight a bunch of
girls, but that he might get really hurt." Not so, says Holden as his
fat blubbers around in a sympathetic
vibration that cannot be stopped. "I've been running a lot. Well, some.
OK, walking."
If nothing else, the event poses an opportunity for Holden to have some
contact with the opposite sex.
"He's never talked to a girl, let alone kissed one," explains Yagan,
Spark Owner Extraordinaire. Yes, as a
horrible loser, Holden is both excited and nervous to be near girls.
"I'm feeling a little excited and a little
nervous," he was heard saying during his daily reflection on his feelings
about life, the future, the
Backstreet Boys, fighting girls, being jealous of the Backstreet Boys,
not knowing how sweet the
Backstreet Boys are, wishing that he were famous instead of the Backstreet
Boys, kittens, and how much
dignity and go-get-'em spirit the Backstreet Boys have relative to
his own pathetic existence.
Look for Holden to arm himself with nothing more than the mound of human
flesh he calls his body -
which is ugly - and some biting irony. Look for the girls to arm themselves
with blind anger. And sticks.
Who will emerge the victor from this ultimate struggle? The advantage
will certainly lie with the 1,000
girls, given their overwhelming numbers and Holden's status as a total
loser. Even more daunting for
Holden would be if some male Backstreet Fans showed up to fight. "They're
out there. I got a couple
emails," he said.
Some have suggested that this might not be the best way to resolve a
situation that has him getting death
threats almost everyday. "That may be true...whatever, though," he
responded.
Subtle irony is dead for all true lovers of the Backstreet Boys.
- Holden Caulfield's e-mail is Holden_Caulfield@thespark.com
editor's note: this has become so controversial, we've added a Backstreet
Boys room to SparkChat! Visit
it if you want to discuss BSB or the article.